Lesson 2: Be friendly to the police and custody officers

 I cannot overstate how handy this can be. In my case, I made conversation with my arresting officer and kept the mood light. This can form a rapport between the two of you and make the process a little less uncomfortable for you. When you're shown to your suite, you may be offered a hot drink and some food. It's worth accepting this offer, as nasty as the food may be. You might need the energy for the next step. Also, be nice to your custody officer and they're likely to be nicer to you. Nice= newspapers, hot drinks etc.

Lesson 3: Know your rights

 You are entitled to read a copy of the Police Codes of Practice, taken from the Police And Criminal Evidence Act, 1984. When you're comfy in your presidential palace, ask the custody officer for a copy of the aforementioned publication. Read up on your rights in custody (Code C) but also, if you ARE innocent, pay close attention to Code G, which outlines the police statutory powers of arrest under section 24 of PACE. Briefly, police are only meant to use their power of arrest if no other suitable alternative can be found, such as issuing a summons to attend a police station, or street bail. One of your rights under Code C is the right to read the codes of practice in your cell. Of course, if you're a novice to this whole business, which I hope you are, you might also want to exercise your right to legal representation and guidance. You should bear in mind that this can delay your interview on a busy day/night by some time, but it can mean the difference between a stitch up and freedom.

Lesson 4: RELAX!

Now that you're settling into your new home, practise some zen and just chill out. Being locked up is a pain in the arse, but it's not the end of the world. Wait for your lawyer, read the Codes of Practice and figure out if you've been done up in some way. If they got you fair and square then just level with them, it's a damn sight easier than lying. If you're sure you're innocent, piece everything together before the interview and make sure it's clear in your head. And make sure you're calm. Going crazy will only make it harder when they come to deal with you.

Lesson 5: TELL THE TRUTH!

I cannot emphasise enough how important this is. Don't get all "stroppy teenage angst" at the interviewer when you're under caution. It comes through on the tape and it makes you seem less credible. You should be cool, calm and collected. And you should tell it like it happened. Try to use open body language and tell the story as completely as you can. The truth always beats a lie, and your guilt will always come to haunt you if you lie.

Lesson 6: If You Feel You've Been Wronged...

... tell the Independent Police Complaints Commission, they take complaints about police mistreatment and are independent of the police forces themselves. When you file this complaint, make sure to get as much info as possible, and do your research. Make your complaint as precise and as intelligent as possible. Where possible, refer to broken laws or where best practice was not adhered to and don't rely on the IPCC to make your case for you. I've put a complaint in for my own, and I was super comprehensive in mine. Put in anything you find relevant.

Lesson 7: Stay safe, and don't have nightmares!

The ultimate lesson here is "don't get arrested" or at least "don't do anything bad". If you can't avoid it, just follow my proven method and keep your nose clean. The police are public servants, not predators. Let's try to keep it that way.

I hope this has helped anyone who's read it.