Sacrificing my Sunday morning lie-in is always risky. My mood and physical capabilities are unpredictable and allocating me with any responsibility is verging on dangerous.

That’s why putting me in charge of a group of senior citizens for a VIP lunch could only lead to disaster.

Arriving at the Union at 9am (a venue I had never before seen in daylight or sobriety) is a new experience in itself. This is entirely new territory, and I’m terrified.

The guests pour in, helping themselves to a glass of sherry on the door. The addition of alcohol to this confusing equation does not bode well. The guests are seated and I try to get the conversation going.

We talk about Portsmouth “in their day’” and the pretty table decorations (candles amid dry leaves - an arsonist’s dream). I always thought it was a bit of a stereotype, but seeing that room light up as the sheets were handed out I can wholeheartedly confirm: old people like bingo.

 One of the ladies asks me to take over and, five numbers later, she’s won.

I wait for her to come back so that she can claim her prize, but someone else shouts ‘bingo!’ and her hamper of gifts is gone. I return to my waitressing duties, but the evil fates that hijacked this event decided it could be worse and took things up a notch.

I glance across the room to see the table decorations in flames as predicted. But the worst part? Not one of the ladies at the table has noticed.

To add to my sheer humiliation, it was all caught on camera. Somewhere out there is footage of me staring, pointing, and doing nothing as four elderly women, who I was supposed to be responsible for, sit oblivious to the impending incineration and a more experienced volunteer steps in to save the day.

Nobody was charged with any counts of arson, but I still see the connection between crime and volunteering. It’s deeper than the fact that neither pay; both have unpredictably awkward consequences. One does look considerably better on your CV though.

Thanks have to go to VIP for organising this event again this year, and we hope everybody enjoyed themselves!